Department of Intuitive Studies: Freshman 15
"Eating a high-fat meal has a negative health effect...But a small study suggests that there is a way to counteract the effect: vigorous aerobic exercise within two hours of the meal." [The New York Times, Health, September 5, 2006]
Shame on The New York Times! My research assistants and I should have been given credit for that study. You see, when I am not writing stories for this website, I am the departmental chair of Yayl University's Department of Intuitive Studies. Our aim is to spend valuable university endowment funds on studies which findings any person with a little common sense could have intuited on their own.
For instance, we are currently working on a study that should prove that starvation can counter the unhealthy effects of all-you-can-eat buffets. But we will not just stop there. We also aim to show that prolonged starvation drastically increases the risk of premature death in otherwise healthy adults.
For the first part of the study, simple starvation, our research subjects have mostly been female high school students. It wouldn't work any other way. Our best bet is to get them just as they are entering high school. Start any later, and you risk running out of available volunteers. Two months into school is enough time for these girls to develop full blown eating disorders. By then they are useless because they won't go anywhere near all-you-can-eat buffets.
The results were unequivocal however. Never mind girls who say they are big-boned and can never be skinny. Our girls were first asked to spend 3 days at all-you-can-eat buffets at various locations in New Raven, our charming college town. Each gained between 15 to 39 pounds of fat. Yet, no more than 3 weeks of total starvation later, all our subjects had beaten the devastating effects of these buffets on their bodies, and they each weighed a mere 47 pounds. How's that for science!?
For the second part of the study, prolonged starvation, I am having more trouble finding willing participants. I tried to tempt the college freshmen, male and female, to join the study so as to counter the effects of the hideous weight gain that afflicts entering college students, a.k.a. the "Freshman 15." But they were not so easily fooled to ignore the fact that prolonged starvation could potentially lead to hideous results of another kind. So, a few weeks ago, I called up the Defense Department to ask whether any of the detainees at Gitmo would be willing to participate in the study. I am still waiting for their response.
But I am not one to idly waste my time. While I wait for the Department of Defense to return my calls, I have concocted a new study. I aim to identify the link between jumping into the water with a large boulder tied around one's waist and the risk of asphyxiation. How's that for science!?
His Serene Highness,
The Magnificent D
Shame on The New York Times! My research assistants and I should have been given credit for that study. You see, when I am not writing stories for this website, I am the departmental chair of Yayl University's Department of Intuitive Studies. Our aim is to spend valuable university endowment funds on studies which findings any person with a little common sense could have intuited on their own.
For instance, we are currently working on a study that should prove that starvation can counter the unhealthy effects of all-you-can-eat buffets. But we will not just stop there. We also aim to show that prolonged starvation drastically increases the risk of premature death in otherwise healthy adults.
For the first part of the study, simple starvation, our research subjects have mostly been female high school students. It wouldn't work any other way. Our best bet is to get them just as they are entering high school. Start any later, and you risk running out of available volunteers. Two months into school is enough time for these girls to develop full blown eating disorders. By then they are useless because they won't go anywhere near all-you-can-eat buffets.
The results were unequivocal however. Never mind girls who say they are big-boned and can never be skinny. Our girls were first asked to spend 3 days at all-you-can-eat buffets at various locations in New Raven, our charming college town. Each gained between 15 to 39 pounds of fat. Yet, no more than 3 weeks of total starvation later, all our subjects had beaten the devastating effects of these buffets on their bodies, and they each weighed a mere 47 pounds. How's that for science!?
For the second part of the study, prolonged starvation, I am having more trouble finding willing participants. I tried to tempt the college freshmen, male and female, to join the study so as to counter the effects of the hideous weight gain that afflicts entering college students, a.k.a. the "Freshman 15." But they were not so easily fooled to ignore the fact that prolonged starvation could potentially lead to hideous results of another kind. So, a few weeks ago, I called up the Defense Department to ask whether any of the detainees at Gitmo would be willing to participate in the study. I am still waiting for their response.
But I am not one to idly waste my time. While I wait for the Department of Defense to return my calls, I have concocted a new study. I aim to identify the link between jumping into the water with a large boulder tied around one's waist and the risk of asphyxiation. How's that for science!?
His Serene Highness,
The Magnificent D
posted by The Magnificent D at 10:16 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home