The Wedding Registry
My best friend is soon getting married. Let's call him Darling. He is marrying a real sweetheart. Let's call her Lovely. The other day, Lovely took Darling to Bloomingdale's so they could register for china and other sundry objects. I thought it would be funny to affix an interest-o-meter to Darling's shirt just as he left his apartment to meet Lovely in front of the department store.
As its name suggests, the interest-o-meter, unbeknownst to the target (in this case, Darling), links itself to the target's mind (in this case, Darling's mind), and like a black box of sorts measures Darling's rising and declining levels of interest at various points in the registration process.
12:00
Darling meets Lovely at Bloomingdale's. They hug and kiss. Interest level is normal.
12:02
Darling and Lovely meet the Bloomingdale's Registry representative and are asked to wait for one of the store's Ambassadors to escort them around the store. Interest level on the decline.
12:03
Ambassador arrives--let's call him Dandy--and Darling is given a palm-pilot shaped scanner with which to scan the objects in the store. It's a cool gadget. Interest level above normal.
12:07
Lovely and Dandy discuss the difference between regular china and bone china. Darling’s interest level on the decline again.
12:15
Lovely and Dandy finally allow Darling to use his scanner to scan a floral patterned milk dish. Excitement level very high.
12:22
Lovely and Dandy allow Darling to scan a 17-piece china set. Novelty of scanner begins to wear off and Darling's interest level sinks precipitously.
12:40
Lovely and Dandy have only just started talking about a second china set, and Darling knows that they are nowhere near the end because before leaving the store they still must pick the right tablecloth and bed linen. Anxiety level rises abnormally.
12:55
Darling scans in the 13-piece Versace breakfast set, down to the bread and butter plate. Panic settles in.
1:07
Darling tries to make eye contact with the other grooms in the store hoping that one of them may have an escape plan. No luck. They are all too busy scanning things and are wearing the same pained grimace over their faces. Panic turns into doom.
1:14
Darling tries to convince himself this really isn't bad. In fact, this has to be the cheapest date he's ever been on. And look how happy Lovely seems. It's shopping without having to spend a cent. Scanning away like a prodigious cashier, without burning a hole through one's pocket. Panic is stabilizing.
1:17
Darling has changed his mind and is now willing to spend anything to get out of the store. When safely out of Dandy's earshot, Darling suggests to Lovely that they have lunch at a very expensive restaurant. Judging by the panic level, Darling should be dead. I'll need to fine tune that interest-o-meter some day.
3:00
For the past hour, Darling has been wondering how to terminate that chattering Dandy’s life with a fish knife in the fitting room. Does not follow through with plan, though. Too afraid that killing the Ambassador may get him lynched by the militia of brides guarding the place. Mental state: desperation and quiet disbelief.
3:15
Darling scans the last tablecloth. Darling and Lovely leave the store. Interest-o-meter indicates Darling has risen from the dead. Darling promises to forever be good if Lovely promises never to take him there again. Darling spends fortune on dinner.
His Serene Highness,
The Magnificent D
As its name suggests, the interest-o-meter, unbeknownst to the target (in this case, Darling), links itself to the target's mind (in this case, Darling's mind), and like a black box of sorts measures Darling's rising and declining levels of interest at various points in the registration process.
12:00
Darling meets Lovely at Bloomingdale's. They hug and kiss. Interest level is normal.
12:02
Darling and Lovely meet the Bloomingdale's Registry representative and are asked to wait for one of the store's Ambassadors to escort them around the store. Interest level on the decline.
12:03
Ambassador arrives--let's call him Dandy--and Darling is given a palm-pilot shaped scanner with which to scan the objects in the store. It's a cool gadget. Interest level above normal.
12:07
Lovely and Dandy discuss the difference between regular china and bone china. Darling’s interest level on the decline again.
12:15
Lovely and Dandy finally allow Darling to use his scanner to scan a floral patterned milk dish. Excitement level very high.
12:22
Lovely and Dandy allow Darling to scan a 17-piece china set. Novelty of scanner begins to wear off and Darling's interest level sinks precipitously.
12:40
Lovely and Dandy have only just started talking about a second china set, and Darling knows that they are nowhere near the end because before leaving the store they still must pick the right tablecloth and bed linen. Anxiety level rises abnormally.
12:55
Darling scans in the 13-piece Versace breakfast set, down to the bread and butter plate. Panic settles in.
1:07
Darling tries to make eye contact with the other grooms in the store hoping that one of them may have an escape plan. No luck. They are all too busy scanning things and are wearing the same pained grimace over their faces. Panic turns into doom.
1:14
Darling tries to convince himself this really isn't bad. In fact, this has to be the cheapest date he's ever been on. And look how happy Lovely seems. It's shopping without having to spend a cent. Scanning away like a prodigious cashier, without burning a hole through one's pocket. Panic is stabilizing.
1:17
Darling has changed his mind and is now willing to spend anything to get out of the store. When safely out of Dandy's earshot, Darling suggests to Lovely that they have lunch at a very expensive restaurant. Judging by the panic level, Darling should be dead. I'll need to fine tune that interest-o-meter some day.
3:00
For the past hour, Darling has been wondering how to terminate that chattering Dandy’s life with a fish knife in the fitting room. Does not follow through with plan, though. Too afraid that killing the Ambassador may get him lynched by the militia of brides guarding the place. Mental state: desperation and quiet disbelief.
3:15
Darling scans the last tablecloth. Darling and Lovely leave the store. Interest-o-meter indicates Darling has risen from the dead. Darling promises to forever be good if Lovely promises never to take him there again. Darling spends fortune on dinner.
His Serene Highness,
The Magnificent D
posted by The Magnificent D at 7:00 PM
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