Celebrity Apprentice: The Trumpeting Trump
At a locked-down news conference in Manhattan last month, the cast for "Celebrity Apprentice" was introduced to members of the press. Everyone was sworn to secrecy. Now the secret can be told, says NBC, which made public Monday the names of the cast members... "They were all begging to be on the show," [Donald Trump] said. "The hardest thing was breaking it down to these 14." (AP News, November 19, 2007)
I am telling you, they were just begging...calling me...calling my kids, Don Jr. and Ivanka, for a small chance to be on my show...which, by the way, is the greatest piece of reality programming ever! If you don't believe me, just ask NBC! Last season, the network called me every day saying "Donald, this is the best piece of reality programming to ever hit the screen!"
I told them I didn't need to be reminded...that people pass me by on the street and almost rip my shirt off to get close to me. In fact this one lady, she had come all the way from New Jersey, and when she saw me on the street, as I was entering my building, Trump Tower, which, by the way, is one of the finest residential and office towers ever built, she screamed "Donald, we never miss your show in New Jersey!" Can you believe it! In New Jersey, of all places!
Anyway, these celebrity apprentices are not just like any other celebrities. We had a huge talent pool from which to make our picks. Deciding who would be on the show and who wouldn't was not easy!
Take Jimmy the midget, for instance. Remember Jimmy the midget from that terrific show in the seventies, "Short and Rotund." What?! Don't tell me you don't know which show I'm talking about! It was on air for 3 episodes and Jimmy the midget became a national celebrity! Anyway, for some reason, Jimmy never found additional work since then, which is terribly sad, because he's such a great actor. But then he called me, some two weeks ago, and said, "Donald, I hear you're taping another season of the Apprentice...please, put me on it, I beg you" - those were his exact words - "please, I beg you, put me on your show!" So I consulted with Ivanka, since she is a bigger entertainment buff than Don Jr., and she said, "Dad, that's amazing, you're really attracting top talent! Let me think about it."
But I had already made up my mind. Jimmy the midget couldn't be on the show, because, although his fame would most certainly bring huge ratings to the Apprentice, I just didn't get the sense that he had any real sense for business.
It's a shame. But, anyway, I'm telling you all this so you can see what drama I need to put up with in connection with my show.
I can tell you're dying to hear more. Well, who can blame you, the Apprentice is such a great show, and anything related to it is fantastic too. OK, one more. I got a call from Melinda Flumer. You know, Melinda? What?! Don't tell me you don't know who Melinda Flumer is! God, what planet do you live on?! Every night, for the past 7 years, between 2 and 3 AM, you can watch her selling Tupperware on the Home Shopping Network. Ask anyone "Who is the Queen of late night TV infomercials?" and they'll immediately respond: "Melinda Flumer!"
Anyway, Melinda was a great catch for my show and we immediately signed her up. Just think of the business acumen she's amassed, from her seven year stint as chief Tupperware saleswoman alone! And then there are the years she spent apprenticing with the heads of the Tupperware selling industry. I knew I was on to something special with Melinda.
I've got to go. Great speaking with you. I hope you enjoy watching the Apprentice this season! It's a terrific cast and I think we'll even beat last season's ratings. I know, you're thinking that's a tall order, but I think we can do it. As I said, I have to run now. I am meeting my wife, Melania, for dinner at Chez Frimeur, a restaurant close to Trump Tower. Have I told you what an amazing place Trump Tower is? One of the most amazing towers ever to be built. I am not the only one who thinks this. Just ask any of my Apprentices. You know, they get to stay there during the taping of the New York version of my show. Whenever they see me, they say "Wow, Donald, your building's amazing!" I mean, back home, they have to sleep in a trailer with some guy with boils over his body, or whatever.
His Serene Highness,
The Magnificent D
I am telling you, they were just begging...calling me...calling my kids, Don Jr. and Ivanka, for a small chance to be on my show...which, by the way, is the greatest piece of reality programming ever! If you don't believe me, just ask NBC! Last season, the network called me every day saying "Donald, this is the best piece of reality programming to ever hit the screen!"
I told them I didn't need to be reminded...that people pass me by on the street and almost rip my shirt off to get close to me. In fact this one lady, she had come all the way from New Jersey, and when she saw me on the street, as I was entering my building, Trump Tower, which, by the way, is one of the finest residential and office towers ever built, she screamed "Donald, we never miss your show in New Jersey!" Can you believe it! In New Jersey, of all places!
Anyway, these celebrity apprentices are not just like any other celebrities. We had a huge talent pool from which to make our picks. Deciding who would be on the show and who wouldn't was not easy!
Take Jimmy the midget, for instance. Remember Jimmy the midget from that terrific show in the seventies, "Short and Rotund." What?! Don't tell me you don't know which show I'm talking about! It was on air for 3 episodes and Jimmy the midget became a national celebrity! Anyway, for some reason, Jimmy never found additional work since then, which is terribly sad, because he's such a great actor. But then he called me, some two weeks ago, and said, "Donald, I hear you're taping another season of the Apprentice...please, put me on it, I beg you" - those were his exact words - "please, I beg you, put me on your show!" So I consulted with Ivanka, since she is a bigger entertainment buff than Don Jr., and she said, "Dad, that's amazing, you're really attracting top talent! Let me think about it."
But I had already made up my mind. Jimmy the midget couldn't be on the show, because, although his fame would most certainly bring huge ratings to the Apprentice, I just didn't get the sense that he had any real sense for business.
It's a shame. But, anyway, I'm telling you all this so you can see what drama I need to put up with in connection with my show.
I can tell you're dying to hear more. Well, who can blame you, the Apprentice is such a great show, and anything related to it is fantastic too. OK, one more. I got a call from Melinda Flumer. You know, Melinda? What?! Don't tell me you don't know who Melinda Flumer is! God, what planet do you live on?! Every night, for the past 7 years, between 2 and 3 AM, you can watch her selling Tupperware on the Home Shopping Network. Ask anyone "Who is the Queen of late night TV infomercials?" and they'll immediately respond: "Melinda Flumer!"
Anyway, Melinda was a great catch for my show and we immediately signed her up. Just think of the business acumen she's amassed, from her seven year stint as chief Tupperware saleswoman alone! And then there are the years she spent apprenticing with the heads of the Tupperware selling industry. I knew I was on to something special with Melinda.
I've got to go. Great speaking with you. I hope you enjoy watching the Apprentice this season! It's a terrific cast and I think we'll even beat last season's ratings. I know, you're thinking that's a tall order, but I think we can do it. As I said, I have to run now. I am meeting my wife, Melania, for dinner at Chez Frimeur, a restaurant close to Trump Tower. Have I told you what an amazing place Trump Tower is? One of the most amazing towers ever to be built. I am not the only one who thinks this. Just ask any of my Apprentices. You know, they get to stay there during the taping of the New York version of my show. Whenever they see me, they say "Wow, Donald, your building's amazing!" I mean, back home, they have to sleep in a trailer with some guy with boils over his body, or whatever.
His Serene Highness,
The Magnificent D
posted by The Magnificent D at 2:22 PM
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